


we may feel hollow but we are no less whole

by Willow_bird



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: (or at least he's trying now), Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorder, Gen, POV Aaron Minyard, Post-Canon, Wholesome Twinyards, andrew minyard is a good brother
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-13 02:27:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29894223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Willow_bird/pseuds/Willow_bird
Summary: Sometimes, Aaron struggles with food - but it usually isn't this bad. Usually, he can push through until the bad day fades and things click back to normal.Usually.He just hopes he can get through it without anyone noticing his struggle. He isn't sure he could handle that.
Relationships: Aaron Minyard & Andrew Minyard, Katelyn/Aaron Minyard
Comments: 5
Kudos: 38





	1. Aaron | Wednesday

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this can also be found on tumblr [here](https://kiirynilcc.tumblr.com/post/634788364893192192/prompt-aaron-had-a-slight-ed-that-he-developed-as). I had previously posted it within my tumblr prompts collection, but since I'm expanding on it I decided to delete it from there and give it its own fic. Currently planned for three chapters, but we'll see what happens. 
> 
> Please take care of yourself and mind the content warnings. If you have any questions, feel free to comment or message me over on tumblr. I've rated this as "M" not because it's particularly graphic but because it's very... heavy, and I felt more comfortable putting it out there with more caution rather than less. 
> 
> Warnings for depression and depictions of an eating disorder.

**Wednesday | 6:04am**

The alarm was screaming. 

Its cries crashed against his senses like sea-storm waves and Aaron was without shelter. The sound had been crowding him for four minutes now, and he still couldn't lift a hand to make it stop -- even though he was perfectly aware and wide awake. He wanted to stop the sound, he _needed_ the quiet back, but for whatever reason his hand just wouldn't listen to his brain no matter how many times he willed it to move. 

Aaron hated days like this.

**Wednesday | 8:43am**

Nicky slung his arm around Aaron’s shoulders, a grin plastered on his face. His hair was slicked back like a low-budget greaser, halfway between wet and just damp. They’d just finished morning practice and he, Nicky, and Kevin were waiting out in the player’s lobby for Neil and Andrew to finish showering and changing so they could leave.

“Aw man, I am _hungry_. Please tell me that Andrew and Neil are gonna finish up soon so that we can go get a real breakfast.” Nicky's whining was easy enough to ignore most of the time, but today Aaron was tired and his patience was thin. He had three tests to study for, two essays to write, they had a game coming up on Friday, and Aaron didn't have the bandwidth for Nicky, too.

He shruged his cousin off with a snort. "I'm just gonna hitch a ride to the library." There were still a few hours before his first class of the day, and he needed to use that time for something productive.

"Aww, c'mon Aaron come to breakfast with us! We'll drop you at the library when we're done. It won't take too long!"

"What won't take too long?" When Aaron looked over, he saw Neil and Andrew coming out of the locker room, clean and changed.

"Breakfast!" Nicky announced. "Neil, tell Aaron to join us! It's a family breakfast -- he should be there!"

"You can't just label things "family" events as a way to require people to be there," Kevin said with a long-suffering sigh. Even so, Aaron noticed he already had the menu of their usual breakfast joint pulled up on his phone. The pictures of pancakes topped with glistening syrup and fluffy omelets made his stomach clench in an unpleasant way.

Aaron looked away.

"I've got a shit to do," he said. That would be his final word on it, and to demonstrate, Aaron turned to head toward the doors.

Except Andrew had moved to block him, though Aaron hadn't registered when his twin had circled them. Aaron frowned, lifting his chin in challenge.

Andrew just studied him for a long moment before looking just past Aaron, gaze darting over his shoulder to the others behind him. He lifted a hand and a second later a slim object snapped into it. When Andrew then held it out to him, Aaron saw it was a granola bar.

A quick glance over his shoulder exposed the granola bar thrower as Kevin, who was zipping his backpack shut. They matched gazes briefly and Kevin nodded toward the granola bar in Andrew's hand.

"If you aren't going to come to breakfast with us make sure you get something on your way to the library."

Aaron glared at him, then rolled his eyes and turned back to his brother. Andrew just looked at him, expression blank, and continued to hold out the damn granola bar like he could stand there all day without a care in the world.

A flash of resentment boiled through him. Of course Andrew could stand there so fucking unbothered. Barely anything affected him at all.

With an annoyed huff, Aaron snatched the bar out of Andrew's hand and shoved it into his pocket before stalking out of the building.

**Wednesday | 1:15pm**

> _Katelyn ❤️ (13:15):_ Hey baby! Prof Dixon bailed again ~ you free?

>  _Aa. Min. (13:15):_ McCallister's?

>  _Katelyn ❤️ (13:16):_ See u in 5! 😘

**Wednesday | 1:23pm**

Aaron stood inside the confused cacophony that was McCallister's, an on-campus restaurant that was the love child of a deli and a pub but four times too big, regretting his choices.

It wasn't even the noise that was bothering him the most. It was the _smell_.

Aaron took two steps into the restaurant and his stomach roiled. It twisted and tightened, curling in on itself in disgust at the sharp, slimy stench of cold cut deli meat cushioned on a waft of double-baked potatoes that filled the restaurant like wildfire's haze. He and Katelyn met here for lunch two or three times a week when their schedules lined up. They both liked the food and they had several corner booths where they could hide in and study together after eating. It was one of their favorite places. But right now, Aaron was fighting not to gag. 

“Aaron!” Relief warred with dread at the sound of Katelyn’s voice and he hastily plastered on an imitation of the smile he usually didn’t even have to think about, that always rose to his lips whenever she was around all on its own. It didn’t today, but for Katelyn he could make the effort. For Katelyn, Aaron could do anything. 

He turned around once that smile was fixed in place and wrapped his arms around her when she joined him, indulging in a quick kiss that soothed some of the nausea churning in his gut. When they broke apart, Aaron turned to lead them toward their usual booth but Katelyn stopped him with a hand on his arm.

“Babe is everything alright?” Worry painted a crease between her eyebrows, her mouth drawn down as she studied him. 

Most days, Katelyn’s concern warmed him. It made him feel seen and loved and cherished. Today it put a slash of anxiety through his lungs, breath seeping out through the cut and concaving his chest under the weight of her scrutiny. 

Aaron arranged his smile into something tired and unalarmed. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just a long week, y’know?”

Katelyn hummed like she wasn’t sure she believed him but was deciding to trust him anyway, then she smiled and she released his arm only to take his hand, giving it a small squeeze. “Alright, then let’s get some lunch and shut out the rest of the world for at least a little bit, yeah?”

The smell of the restaurant was still choking him and even his skin felt tight. The absolute last thing he wanted to do right now was stay there another second, let alone the hour he had until he needed to think about heading to his next class.

“I’m so sorry Kate, I’ve got to meet with the TA for my history class. I remembered right after I texted you but I still wanted to see you so I figured I’d just tell you when you got here.” He offered an apologetic smile and did his best to ignore the way guilt was now mixing uncomfortably well with the sick already sloshing around in his stomach. Aaron did not like lying to Katelyn, it felt _wrong_. But he also couldn’t... he couldn’t explain what was wrong with him right now -- not because he didn’t know, but because he was sure explaining it was going to make him sound crazy and that was just the last thing he needed right now. It was better to slip away, go somewhere he could focus on homework or something and just... wait for it to pass.

Katelyn’s expression fell, flashing disappointment, then a sad understanding as she nodded. “Of course. It’s okay babe, really. I’m just glad I got to see you at all.” She smiled then -- that bright, warm, just-for-him smile that always had Aaron’s heart skipping. A small knot of tension loosened in his lower chest, just enough that he was able to take a small breath and offer a more genuine smile of his own in return. 

“I love you,” he told her. 

“I love you too, Aaron. Take care of yourself and I’ll see you later, okay?”

He made no promises before he made his escape, just a smile and a wave.

**Wednesday | 3:37pm**

The granola bar tasted like ash in his mouth. It felt like there were iron weights attached to his jaw, making it impossible for him to chew. A fist of repulsion locked around his throat, and it was a physical struggle to swallow. 

This was the worst part about days like this.

Aaron knew he had to eat _something_ , because he knew what could happen if he _didn’t_ and the only thing worse than having to put up with feeling this way, dragging himself through the mud of his own psychosis one step, one mile, at a time -- was doing it with everyone watching him struggle. 

So he forced himself through half the granola bar. He knew better than to push for more than that, or all his efforts would be wasted into the nearest trash can.

**Wednesday | 7:51pm**

Practice had been brutal. It had been so bad that even Nicky hadn’t been able to cheer himself through it and was just as bitter and on edge as the rest of them by the time they hit the showers. 

Aaron sat in the lobby and waited for the others, feeling old. He felt _tired_. He just wanted these stupid pissing contests to stop and everyone to shut up. He wanted the world to be completely silent, completely _empty_. Emptiness sounded nice. Sounded peaceful. Sounded _right_.

The sharp scuff of shoe-rubber against tile had him cringing so hard his shoulders ached and he peeled his eyes open to glare at the source. Andrew stood there, hands in his pockets, blank-faced and too knowing.

Aaron snorted and looked away. 

The couch shifted slightly as Andrew took the spot next to him. There was the soft _shk_ of a blade cutting into something crisp and when Aaron looked over, Andrew was holding out a small sliver of apple. His brother wasn’t looking at him. Instead, the other Minyard was dispassionately staring at the tv, which was playing some sports channel that Aaron knew very well Andrew didn’t give a single shit about. 

For a long moment Aaron just stared at the side of his twin’s face, but it was impossible to know what, if anything, he was thinking about. Finally, he looked at the sliver of apple. It was pale, small, unobtrusive. Aaron’s stomach clenched, a mix between hunger and repulsion. All he’d had today was that half a granola bar -- which had been both too much and not enough. His throat tightened as he stared at that innocuous slice of fruit, but he was almost focused more on the hand holding it. His eyes burned and he looked away, but not before taking the slice. 


	2. Aaron | Thursday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron continues to struggle but he finds support where he least expects it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can also be found [here](https://kiirynilcc.tumblr.com/post/644974333182214144/hiya-i-hope-im-not-being-annoying-or-anything-but).
> 
> TW for ED/eating disorder and associated food-related revulsion. There is also a brief panic attack and a lot of negative thoughts. The name isn’t explicitly stated, but the attack on Andrew back in November is also mentioned in passing at the end.
> 
> Please be kind to yourselves. If you have any questions, feel free to comment or reach out to me on tumblr.

**Thursday | 4:17am**

It shouldn't be allowed for days like these to stretch across the boundary from one day into the next.By virtue of it being a bad day, it should only be permitted 24 hours, max.

And yet, here he was, shaky and weak and unable to sleep. His insomnia was a wide-eyed demon, perched on his chest. It watched him with hunger in it's seedy gaze, pinning him in place, locking him down and anchoring him to inaction. Sleep would not come for him, but neither could soothe himself with distraction.

He was just.. frozen.

Frozen, and empty. From his stomach to his chest to the static of anxiety that had taken roost inside his head, Aaron was no more and no less than utterly and completely hollow.

**Thursday | 6:21am**

Aaron purposefully lingered behind on the way down to the parking lot, even less interested in conversation after a sleepless night than he normally was. Matt and Nicky had made to wait for him, but he'd waved them off before ducking into the bathroom like that was his excuse for ultimately holding them up.

Ah well, if Andrew decided to leave without him he could just head back upstairs. He could use the time to study, or just be... _away_ from people.

But when Aaron reached the parking lot it was to find that not only was the Maserati still there, but Andrew was waiting outside it. He was leaning against the driver's side door, facing Fox Tower and watching as Aaron approached.

Aaron tensed, his teeth already gritting. He did not have the fucking patience for Andrew's asshole tendencies today. He felt raw and hollow and _weak_ and he _hated_ that - and there was nothing Andrew could fucking do that wouldn't make it worse.

As Aaron approached, though, Andrew remained coolly impassive. He said nothing, just held out the 'fuck you, I know I'm perfect' travel mug he was holding. It was tall but fairly narrow, able to hold a full 24oz but still be held comfortably by a smaller-than-average hand. The design was intelligent, which was why Andrew used it just about every damn day.

(Aaron was one of a very small group of people who also knew that the tumbler had been a gift from Neil, but that was beside the point.)

Aaron just stared at the cup for a long moment, not comprehending, until Andrew heaved a sigh and pushed off the Maz to step closer to him. "It's black," he said, nearly pushing the warmed plastic into his chest, and Aaron's hand came up reflexively to catch it. As soon as Aaron's fingers were around it, Andrew's dropped away and he stepped back.

"What?" Aaron blinked at Andrew, then looked down at the tumbler, but when he looked back up again Andrew was already getting into the car. The door snapped shut a second later, effectively ending the non-conversation before it had really had a chance to start.

Aaron stared at the tinted window for half a second, then looked back down at the tumbler in his hand. He slid the top open and watched as hot steam rose into the dim morning. When he lifted it to his lips to sip, he was surprised to find that yes, it was black - but also extremely mild. The flavor wasn't too strong. It was straightforward, and warm, and the lid kept the overwhelming stench of coffee from smacking him in the face when he sipped - which was why Aaron had skipped having any in his own dorm this morning.

Instead of puzzling over the _how's_ and _why's_ of Andrew bringing him palatable coffee in a vessel that just so happened to negate half of his oversensitivity, Aaron just took another sip, slid the top shut, and got into the back seat of the car. He just did not have the energy to analyze this right now, and even if he did he wasn't sure he'd understand whatever it was he might find. It was probably better to just leave it alone.

**Thursday | 7:46am**

The coffee helped. Aaron finished about half the cup before they hit the gym and while he didn't exactly feel like a million bucks (or even remotely close to normal) he was able to convincingly keep up with the rest of the team as they split off around the gym to do their own workouts.

Aaron wasn't an idiot. He was well aware that his grand total of half a granola bar and two-thirds an apple yesterday combined with twelve whole ounces of coffee this morning was not nearly enough fuel to safely rely on - especially considering he'd worked out _and_ had practice yesterday in addition to the energy spent on classes and more typical exertion.

So he consciously tried not to push it. He would eat if he could. He would rest if he could. He would shut his brain off or at least turn down the damn volume _if he could_.

But he couldn't.

He was helpless.

Goddamn fucking helpless in his own damn body.

And he _hated_ it.

Except even hate took energy, and that energy ate up his meager reserves far more quickly than he anticipated. Maybe that was why when he stood from the rowing machine after a lackluster fifteen minutes pretending to do reps, he stumbled.

Perhaps 'stumbled' was a bit of an overstatement.

Aaron stood up, probably just a bit too quickly, and his vision fuzzed around the edges; he swayed. His hand flew out, not raising up past his waist, and grabbed onto the support bar of a nearby machine. His heart rate quickened and he took a quick, anxious glance around the room.

Metal clanged and quiet chatter filtered through the gym, but no one seemed to look his way.

Relief settled over him and he took a slow breath. No one had noticed. He just had to get through this, just had to wait it out, and make sure that no one noticed something was wrong.

Once he was more sure of his own steadiness, Aaron stepped away from the rowing machine and headed for the bench press. Maybe laying down would be a better option. If he felt dizzy or woozy at all it would be less noticeable both to himself and to anyone who might glance his way if he was already laying down.

He set up the weights to a bit lighter than his usual standard and positioned himself under the bar, but a shadow fell across him just as he lifted his hands to reach for it.

Andrew's blank, heavy stare met his. His twin said nothing, just moved his hands between where Aaron's had curled around the bar, just the fingertips resting lightly on the cool metal.

Maybe on another day, Aaron would have tossed something sharp up at him, a sarcastic comment about spotting and control, or murder and the usefulness of gym equipment in fratricide. This wouldn't be the first time that they worked out near each other, but neither of them typically used a spotter. When they felt the need to push their limits they used one of the stations designed for safe use without one - the bars framed with multiple sets of notches positioned for a quick retreat should the weight end up to be too much.

Today, though. Today, Aaron met his brother's eyes and then looked away from that foreign and yet far too familiar hazel. He said nothing, just took a breath and adjusted his grip on the bar before pushing up to lift it off it's posts. Andrew's hands hovered under the bar, only fingertips touching, but they were right there - right in front of his eyes - and Aaron couldn't help but notice the tension in his fingers, ready to catch the full weight if for some reason it started to fall.

**Thursday | 11:27am**

> _Katelyn ❤️ (11:27)_ : Hey babe you doin alright?

Aaron swallowed hard and fiddled with his phone until the screen darkened and he had to swipe over it with his thumb to bring the text back up. He hated that Katelyn knew something was wrong. He hated that she worries. He never intended to burden her with this.

> _Aa. Min. (11:29)_ : yeah, sorry about yesterday ~ i'll make it up to u!

> _Katelyn ❤️ (11:29)_ : No need to apologize! It's all good 😁 You just seemed stressed so I wanted to check in!

Because she was too good for him, that's why. Katelyn and her fierce kindness - Aaron really didn't know what god he'd rescued in a past life to be gifted with her affection in this one, but he would never stop being grateful for the favor.

And he really, really did not want to bother her with this. He hadn't had an.. an _episode_ this bad since high school and damn it, he wasn't going to make it her problem. He wasn't going to reward her compassion and her love with just another one of his various fucking issues.

> _Aa. Min. (11:30)_ : i love you so much

> _Aa. Min. (11:30)_ : no need to worry, just a tense week

> _Aa. Min. (11:31)_ : knowing i get u all to myself after the game tomorrow definitely helps get me thru tho 😘

> _Katelyn ❤️ (11:31)_ : !!! I'm so excited!! And I maybe definitely have a little present for you 😏

There was a flutter in his chest. A warmth that was specifically tied to all things _Katelyn._ He relished in that normalcy for a moment, clung to it - at least until the icy claws of dread chased it all away.

Because what if tomorrow was a bad day too? What if they didn't end this time? What if he was stuck? What if he couldn't make it through the game? What if he managed to get through it only to fuck up his and Katelyn's date night that they'd been looking forward to for a fucking _month_? What if he ended up running away again because she wanted to get food and he wasn't.. and he couldn't...

Oh God, what if she wanted to have sex and then when he couldn't she thought that he didn't want her? What if he hurt her? What if--?

" _Aaron_."

The voice was steady, hard, and familiar. There was an urgency in the tone that suggested it wasn't the first time his name had been called. Aaron snapped out of his thoughts and glanced up.

Andrew was standing there.

Wait, why was Andrew there?

Aaron blinked sluggishly and looked around the dorm. He was in the living room of the suite he shared with Matt and Nicky - who were both in class. He had been alone, working on an assignment, and then Katelyn had texted and...

Aaron frowned at his twin. "How did you get in here?"

Andrew didn't answer. Instead, he dropped down onto the couch next to him and... started peeling a mother fucking banana. Without looking over at him at all, Andrew then slipped a knife out of one arm band and sliced off a small bit, popping it into his own mouth. The second he offered wordlessly to Aaron.

But Aaron didn't want to play this game right now. His chest still ached and there was a static fuzz that had infected him, lingering in the liminal space between his skin and his bones where his blood used to be.

"Why are you doing this?" he demanded, but the words came out too raspy and too raw.

Andrew looked over at him but didn't lower the hand that still held a piece of banana on the flat side of a knife.

"Stop fucking around and fucking _answer me!"_

A long pause, then Andrew took a slow breath. He looked up at the ceiling, then met Aaron's gaze before he said, "Smaller pieces are easier. Soft textures take less effort. Mild flavors aren't as harsh and are more likely to stay down if you can manage to swallow."

Aaron's jaw tightened, his vision blurred, and he hoped it was because of anger and not something far more terrible than hate.

"How?" he demanded now, not sure himself whether he was asking Andrew how he knew what Aaron was dealing with or how he knew things that might help or how he managed to fucking care at all in the first place.

"Does it matter?"

"It fucking matters to me."

Andrew seemed to study him for a moment, then retracted his arm and ate the piece of banana off the knife himself. He was silent for another stretch of time that felt like a fucking hour but was probably only a minute or two. When he finally spoke, his tone was still that careful, even cadence that matched the apathy he usually wore like a warning in his eyes - but there was also an underlying tension that Aaron might have missed if he hadn't been watching so damn closely.

Andrew met his eyes, then looked at the banana as he cut another slice and said, "You are my brother. I pay attention."

It was simultaneously the most unhelpful and yet... _revealing_ thing that Andrew had said to him since the night he'd gotten his brother to release him from their stupid fucking deal. Because yeah, duh, they were brothers but that had never meant anything to Andrew before. And yet... And yet their deal was over. It had been over for a while now and this... This was way outside the terms of that deal. Andrew shouldn't care. By his own goddamn fucking rules, Andrew shouldn't _care_.

Andrew held out the slice of banana.

Aaron stared at it, then slowly, slowly, he reached out and took it. It should be humiliating, sitting here like this as Andrew just small pieces of the banana and passed it over to him - just like he'd done with the apple last night. But somehow it wasn't. Maybe it was because he was just that exhausted from the runaround of his own stupid brain, a bit delirious from the general lack of food and the recent surge of anxiety that _might_ have _almost_ been a panic attack. Or maybe, after Andrew seeing him when he was mad with withdrawal and him seeing Andrew last November when...

Well, maybe after them seeing each other at their roughest and most vulnerable, there was just nothing left of shame between them.

Andrew cut the banana and Aaron quietly ate what he was given, and neither brother said a word. When the whole banana was gone, Andrew stood up and Aaron thought for a moment that he was leaving - but he returned a minute later with a glass of water instead. The tv flicked on as Aaron sipped it, the volume low.

Eventually, Aaron returned to his studying. Andrew didn't talk but he didn't leave, either, and Aaron...

He still wasn't okay. He still wasn't through this rough patch.

But he felt a little less hollow, and that would do for now.


End file.
